A new relationship is exciting and intoxicating. It’s easy to put on rose-colored glasses and see your new partner as perfect when all the feel-good chemicals are flowing.
Don’t let your desire for this relationship to work cloud your common sense.
There are no guarantees in love. And having a strict list of market breakers only prevents you from risking your heart.
There is, however, one expectation you should have for any new relationship, an overarching theme for your new romance, which is essential:
If a new relationship is to last, you need to feel safe, not just when you’re together, but even after you’ve separated.
However, it can be difficult to identify this feeling.
The best-case scenario is to keep an eye out for issues that indicate this new relationship is headed in the wrong direction while tucking those rose-colored glasses in a drawer to use later if things work out.
Here are 7 signs that your relationship has a solid and secure foundation.
1. You feel like yourself – and you know who that person is.
Pay attention to your feelings when you break up immediately. Are you walking on a cloud? Or is your inner critic racing, making you feel anxious like you haven’t done anything right?
Feeling anxious or insecure that you blew up the relationship or tearing up thinking you did something wrong is a red flag in a new relationship that needs to be addressed.
If your feelings are not in your character – for example, you constantly feel insecure and unsure of yourself even though you are generally a confident person – is a serious warning sign.
This new relationship is doomed if you regularly criticize each other or find yourself twisting yourself into a pretzel to please them.
A healthy relationship inspires you to feel good about yourself and your life.
This “high” is a natural component of a new relationship. It’s the fuel that allows your relationship to grow and evolve, so make sure you don’t try to live without it, no matter how hot they are – it won’t last.
2. Disagreements, when they arise, are resolved.
Conflicts will arise in every relationship. You won’t agree 100% with anyone. It’s not a red flag in a new relationship to have bumps along the way.
It’s all part of determining if this new relationship has any legs and if you can mend and reconnect after a disagreement.
However, if your conflicts regularly turn into fights, it is likely that the relationship will not last and will not be ideal for you.
You can’t resolve an argument by ignoring it and hoping it goes away or by using sex to try to move on without cleaning it up. Your disagreements will become chronic and neither of you will feel safe enough to create emotional intimacy.
If you don’t talk about the issues between the two of you, they will become a wall between your hearts that will keep you apart.
In a healthy relationship, both people take responsibility for their triggers and hurts.
By doing so, they can create a strong bond by coming together and reaffirming your love for each other.
Avoiding conflict and hoping it will magically disappear is never the answer.
3. The past never gets in the way of the present.
Everyone experiences heartache. Ideally, you take time to heal and move forward with renewed hope. However, it’s a red flag in a new relationship if one or both of you are still stuck in the past or feeling bitter and angry at an ex.
If your partner constantly complains about their ex, it could be a red flag in a new relationship. Maybe you’re stuck in the past and can’t let go of the anger and resentment towards your ex.
It may be appropriate to get professional help to release these feelings.
If your heart is not open and ready to risk again, then it will be difficult for the love to grow between the two of you. Rebound relationships are a huge red flag to watch out for. Don’t settle for someone who is stuck licking their wounds.
4. Your infatuation adds to your life, rather than distracting you from it.
Infatuation is intoxicating and all new relationships have the chemical high of “falling” in love.
It’s a red flag in a new relationship if you feel obsessed and consumed by the relationship. Another red flag to watch out for is if your partner wants to move the relationship forward quickly before you really know each other.
If you can’t stop thinking about your partner and can’t focus on other things in your life, that’s a sign that there’s an unhealthy dynamic between you. This is also true if your partner is obsessed with you and wants to merge your lives as soon as possible.
A healthy relationship is both grounded and inspiring, as if you have roots and wings. It’s good to take things slowly and learn more about each other over time.
If you’re an ideal partner, you’ll spend the rest of your life together, so there’s no need to rush.
5. You both maintain healthy boundaries.
Respectful love has a boundary. This means that you can’t treat your partner as you see fit just because you’re in a bad mood. Moreover, it is unacceptable for your partner to blame you and make you the scapegoat of the relationship.
When there are no boundaries between you, you can mistreat and blame each other. A lack of boundaries can mean that your wants and needs aren’t important and your partner is taking all the oxygen out of the relationship.
Without limits, you are in a co-dependent relationship. This means that one person’s needs are met and the others are not. If you have to sacrifice your needs for the relationship…run!
Love does not require sacrifice.
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6. Your relationship is not trapped in a bubble.
Part of coming together in a new relationship is merging your lives together. You become part of his group of friends and he becomes part of yours. When the time comes, you both introduce yourself to your families.
It’s a red flag if the relationship exists in an isolated bubble and you’re never part of each other’s inner circle.
Your relationship isn’t more exciting because it’s a secret. If someone is hiding you for the rest of their life, then what else are they hiding from you? There’s a lot to discover when you see how they interact with their friends and family as well as yours.
If your friends and family aren’t supportive of your choice of partner, this could be an opportunity to take a closer look at them. You might find that you don’t like who your partner is when they’re with their friends.
The way they behave with your family will tell you whether or not they are capable of being your ally.
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7. You share key values and discuss them openly and respectfully.
There’s a lot of focus on finding someone you’re compatible with when you’re dating. You want to be with someone who shares your hobbies or enjoys the same kind of entertainment as you.
However, you risk missing out on what is really important in assessing whether your love should last: sharing the same goals and dreams in life.
Just because you both love the outdoors or share a love for Disneyland doesn’t mean you want the same things in life.
If you’re not on the same page about the important things, you’ll have a hard time surviving the inevitable upheavals that life throws at you.
For a love to last over time, you need to be with someone who shares the same values as you so that you can work together towards a common goal.
In a healthy relationship, you take the time to find out what’s really important to each other. You discuss difficult things like money, spirituality and your expectations for a life together.
That way, when difficulties arise, you can stick with your different stress management strategies, knowing you’re on the same page.
Don’t let the rush of emotion blind you to new relationship red flags that can sabotage your desires.
Taking a conscious approach to love can give you the insight you’ll need if you both have what it takes to create lasting, soul-satisfying love.
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Orna and Matthew Walters are soul mate coaches who served as guest experts on Bravo’s “The Millionaire Matchmaker.” They are the authors of the free e-book, “7 Steps To Soulmating”, which can be found on their website.
This article originally appeared on https://www.creatingloveonpurpose.com. Reprinted with permission from the author.